The Story of My Social Anxiety...

(Starting off with a cute pic with my mom)

I always been a shy kid untill i started to go to school. I was happy with my boy friends and had some girl friend too. I needed to went another school, a better school and i was going to that school with my sister. She is 6 years older than me. Anyways 6th went great but i fall in love. I started to get anxious more. 

(at 7th grade)

So at 7th grade i was much more worse i think because of not able to be close friends with him. My social anxiety started that year but i didn't suffer that year because i thought it was normal. I also went to Modern Dance courses but wish i didn't went there. People were so friendly when you talk to them but i couldn't. Teachers were awesome but i was getting so scared and wanted to cry and stuff. Plus i had fighted with my friends from the first school that i went. I loved my boy friends but they changed and they underestimate me on Valentine's day. (My parents wanted me to go to them that night)

After that night, i started to get more worse. I wasn't in pain like crying or getting angry. After having a role model in summer, it changed my life. , (I wrote a post about that so i don't want to explain it again) She helped me learn about people and life. I'm lucky to have a role model who is the strongest woman i've ever seen in celebrities. 

So 8th grade came up and still i was getting worse. One of the years i think i spend it for nothing. I started to feel that " being in love and getting friendzoned" pain. It was too hard for me but i was lucky that the boy i fallen in love it is a awesome friend and never left my side. I'm thankfull for having him as my friend. In summer my love for him decreased. 

High school, the worst years in my life, it will be. I continued to the same school's high school. It was too crowed and i had one true friend that i was happy with. That i was comfortable with. That year i officialy had a social anxiety. I got worse than ever. I couldn't talk to anyone, i had no friends besides my old friends from middle school. My bff move to another in another city. I needed to change my school again because i couldn't handle it anymore. The school i go to is a foundation meaning that there another same named schools in another location. So, i went to the school who is 8 minute long from my home. 

They were friendly but my anxiety was getting more powerful. Some of them started gossiping about me, some of them tried to help me but nobody did not know my anxiety except 2 of my friends. I'm much more happier when i hang up with boys and i did have a boy friend who i care about. I'm lucky to have him. I have a girl close friend. Who helped me so much and loved me but still i am having some kind of crisis, i don't know what it called... 

1.  You start questioning yourself  "why? bla bla..." 
2. Then you start getting angry and start crying
3. You cry so hard and you start to breathe deeply and fast that it's so hard to stop it.
4. You want to start punching or kicking, screaming
5. You even sometimes want to kill yourself 

-i don't attempt to kill myself even how much i want-

I'm relaxed at home, with my pets and my boy friend. I don't want to go to school. Especially my school because you can't go out of the school and have some fresh air and relax, or when you get that "crisis" and you need to be alone or with a loved one, you can't do that. I compare school to a prison. 

 (I'm 10 she's 9)

I'm lucky that i'm not that much alone. I have a bff, we met when i was 7 and she was 6. We met at our school bus. We used the same school bus untill we left the school. We can't stay away from each other but when we do, we get weak emotionally. She's the one who helps me about this. So i'm lucky to have her. ♡

P.S. : Don't get me wrong. I'm just saying it's so hard and stressful for me to make a new friend, not that i don't want to.

♡